Sibling Rivalry and Autism: How Brothers and Sisters Can Cope and Thrive

Sibling Rivalry and Autism: How Brothers and Sisters Can Cope and Thrive

When your family receives an autism diagnosis, most of the attention naturally shifts to the autistic child. As a parent, you are suddenly learning new terms, managing appointments, and adjusting daily routines. However, while you are focused on supporting your autistic child, your other children are also quietly adjusting to a major life change.

Brothers and sisters of autistic children often experience complex emotions that are rarely talked about. They may feel confused, overwhelmed, jealous, protective, proud, or even guilty for feeling upset. Understanding sibling rivalry in autism is not about blaming anyone. It is about recognising the emotional needs of all your children and helping your family grow together.

 

How Autism Affects Neurotypical Siblings

When one child has autism, family life naturally changes. Your time, energy, finances, and emotional focus may shift significantly. Neurotypical siblings often notice these changes very early, even if they cannot fully explain how they feel.

You may observe that your other child:

- Feels left out or ignored

- Becomes more withdrawn or unusually quiet

- Acts out to gain attention

- Expresses anger towards the autistic sibling

- Feels embarrassed around friends or classmates

Research shows that siblings of autistic children are at increased risk of emotional stress, anxiety, and behavioural difficulties, particularly when their needs are not openly discussed¹.

 

Feelings of Jealousy, Neglect, and Resentment

Sibling rivalry is common in all families, but autism can intensify it. Your neurotypical child may notice that their autistic sibling:

- Receives more attention

- Is excused from certain responsibilities

- Has frequent appointments and therapies

- Gets special allowances for behaviour

Over time, this can lead to resentment. Some siblings may begin to believe that they must be “the easy child” or suppress their own needs to avoid adding stress to the family². Others may do the opposite and act out as a way of being noticed.

These reactions are not signs of bad behaviour. They are signs of unmet emotional needs.

 

Bullying, Teasing, and Social Pressure

Outside the home, siblings may face teasing or bullying because of their autistic brother or sister. Classmates may ask intrusive questions, mock unusual behaviours, or spread misinformation about autism.

This social pressure can cause your child to:

- Avoid talking about their sibling

- Feel ashamed or embarrassed

- Withdraw from friendships

- Develop anxiety or low self-esteem³

If your child does not feel safe discussing these experiences with you, the emotional burden can grow silently.

 

When Sibling Relationships Become Strained

In rare cases, unresolved resentment and stress can lead to aggressive behaviour between siblings. Younger children may not fully understand autism-related behaviours such as meltdowns, lack of boundaries, or sensory sensitivities.

Without guidance, a sibling may:

- Respond with anger or fear

- Avoid the autistic child completely

- Feel unsafe at home

These situations require early intervention, clear boundaries, and open communication to protect both children⁴.

 

Positive Growth: The Hidden Strengths of Autism Siblings

While the challenges are real, many siblings of autistic children also develop remarkable strengths.

You may notice that your child becomes:

- More empathetic and compassionate

- Emotionally mature for their age

- Protective and nurturing

- More accepting of differences

Studies show that many siblings grow into adults with strong emotional intelligence, patience, and advocacy skills⁵. With the right support, living with an autistic sibling can be a deeply enriching experience.

 

How You Can Support Siblings Effectively

1. Make Time for One-to-One Attention

Even short moments of undivided attention matter. This could be:

- A walk together

- A bedtime chat

- A weekly “date” with each child

This reassures your child that they are seen and valued as an individual⁶.

 

2. Talk Openly About Autism

Use age-appropriate language to explain autism. Avoid secrecy. When children understand why their sibling behaves differently, fear and resentment often reduce.

Encourage questions and answer them honestly. You do not need to have perfect answers-just openness.

 

3. Validate Their Feelings Without Guilt

Let your child know that it is okay to feel:

- Angry

- Sad

- Jealous

- Confused

These feelings do not mean they love their sibling any less. Validation builds trust and emotional safety⁷.

 

4. Encourage External Support

Sibling support groups, whether online or in person, allow children to meet others who share similar experiences. Feeling “not alone” can be incredibly powerful⁸.

 

5. Create Regular Family Connection

Schedule family time that includes everyone, not centred on therapy or problem-solving. Simple routines like family game nights or shared meals help reinforce belonging and unity.

 

When to Seek Professional Help

If your child shows persistent signs of:

- Anxiety

- Depression

- Aggression

- Withdrawal

It may be helpful to seek counselling or family therapy. Supporting siblings is not a failure-it is proactive parenting⁹.

 

PARENTS 

You are not expected to get this right all the time. Parenting an autistic child while supporting neurotypical siblings is demanding, emotionally and physically. What matters most is awareness, honesty, and connection.

When siblings feel heard and supported, rivalry reduces and relationships strengthen.

 

CONCLUSION

- Siblings of autistic children face unique emotional challenges

- Jealousy and resentment are common but manageable

- Open communication and validation are essential

- Positive growth and resilience are possible with support

- Supporting siblings strengthens the entire family

 

FURTHER READING 

Autism and other neurotypical children.

How to explain autism to family and friends.

'Stimming' in autism explained.

 

References

1. Hastings RP. Behavioural adjustment of siblings of children with autism. J Autism Dev Disord. 2003;33(1):99–104.

2. Ross P, Cuskelly M. Adjustment of siblings of children with autism. J Intellect Dev Disabil. 2006;31(2):77–86.

3. Orsmond GI, Seltzer MM. Siblings of individuals with autism. Ment Retard Dev Disabil Res Rev. 2007;13(4):313–320.

4. Petalas MA, Hastings RP. Family functioning in families of children with autism. Autism. 2013;17(4):395–409.

5. Kaminsky L, Dewey D. Siblings relationships of children with autism. J Autism Dev Disord. 2001;31(4):399–410.

6. CDC. Autism Spectrum Disorder: Family Support. 2024.

7. NICE. Autism spectrum disorder in under 19s: support and management. 2022.

8. Autism Society. Sibling support resources. 2023.

9. Hyman SL, Levy SE, Myers SM. Identification and management of autism spectrum disorder. Pediatrics. 2020;145(1):e20193447.

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